Infinite DC - Have A Holly, Harley Christmas
by J.A.Phillips
Summary: AU. With The Joker behind bars as Christmas is fast approaching, Harley Quinn is on a quest for her own holiday cheer, and no one and nothing will stop her! Hi-jinx, mayhem, violence, and a load of fresh holes in the fourth wall are sure to follow!


**_DISCLAIMER:_**** Harley Quinn was created by Paul Dini and Bruce Timm. I do not own any of the main characters involved in this story. This story exists in my own fan-made continuity and should not be considered to be part of any already defined by the comics, television series, or movies, though it takes cues from other established continuities created for Harley Quinn.**

**For Paul, Bruce, Amanda, Jimmy, and Chad.**

* * *

Harley sighed, sitting alone in her apartment, feeling unusually depressed for someone as bubbly as herself. It was doubly unusual considering that Christmas Eve was tomorrow. However, try as she might, the pigtailed blonde just couldn't seem to bring herself to get out of her current funk. She just sat in the dark and dank apartment, wearing a black and red hoodie with matching yoga pants, listening to the sounds of Gotham City's night life, the carollers down the street, the-

"Would you knock it off, already?!" the ex-psychiatrist yelled, looking seemingly at no one. "I'm bummed out enough, I don't need someone narratin' my misery to me!"

Harleen's shoulders slumped. Of course, she hadn't wanted to snap at the narrator, but-

"Yes I did!" Harley cried incredulously, springing to her feet. "How am I supposed to feel happy, anyway? I'm on the run from the law, hidin' out in this stinkin' hole of an apartment, I barely have enough for a halfway decent dinner tomorrow, and everybody I know is either outta town or behind bars...especially the one person I wanted to spend Christmas with the most."

The one Harley wanted to spend Christmas with the most? And just who could that be? Perhaps a secret lover? Maybe Poison Ivy?

Harley's eyes narrowed in irritation toward the narrator. "...Mistah J, ya doofus. You haven't even introduced Ivy to your continuity yet, remember? That's like saying I'm gonna run into Stephanie Bro-"

Of course it was The Joker. It was ALWAYS The Joker. The one man she wanted to spend Christmas, nay, her entire life with. Sadly for Miss Quinn, though, the Clown Prince of Crime was locked away in Arkham Asylum, far out of her reach.

"Tell me about it," Harley muttered, plomping down on her mattress. "I was gonna have the perfect Christmas with my puddin'. We were gonna have presents and cake, canoodle under the mistletoe, maybe even shoot up a couple o' bums down the street that were mean to me the other day."

Harleen groaned, turning to a corner of the room with strips of measuring tape stuck to the walls and floor. "I even measured out the perfect little space to put a Christmas tree. And I don't even have that, 'cuz God forbid, I piss off you-know-who..."

Suddenly, as these words passed through her lips, it was as if someone lit a firecracker in the former Dr. Harleen Quinzel's brain. As she stared at the vacant spot for her Christmas tree, the idea in her head was finally enough to bring a smile to her face. A smile devoid of sanity, mind you, but a smile nonetheless, and perhaps if Harley Quinn could just be happy for the holidays, then all would be right in the world.

"That's it!" Harley cheered, bouncing up and down on the bed. "I'm gonna swipe me an artificial tree!"

...Or not.

* * *

Harley Quinn watched from a nearby alley as security closed up Killinger's Department Store for the night. It was likely going to be a fairly busy night for the Gotham City PD, and for the big blue bat, so chances were good she could slip in, steal a tree from the store, and get it back to her apartment with little to no difficulty. After all, security was usually rather lousy.

The harlequin clown checked herself over. She was wearing her newest spin on her costume, with a red and blue coat over a similarly coloured jester-like top, matching diamond patterned leather pants and boots, a ruffled white collar around her neck, black and white winter gloves, a black domino mask over her powder white make-up, and a winter cap version of her usual harlequin head-wear, her blonde hair poking out slightly from under the front. She was also carrying an oversized purse full of 'toys' for her break-in.

"Tryin' to play it safe with all the different fans, huh?" Harley whispered. "I mean, I like these clothes, but do they even match each other? My hat and gloves from Batgirl Adventures #1, my Arkham City pants, my Suicide Squad collar...and is this my top from Injustice? Didn't it used to have a plunging neck line? And why are they all coloured like my Suicide Squad costume?"

Of course, Harley brought up an interesting point. It WAS an odd ensemble, and DID seem to be done just for the sake of pandering and/or not pissing anyone off. Then again, perhaps it was better that some people didn't question those in power, particularly the type of people who didn't like it when others learned that their middle name was actually Fra-

"Point taken!" Quinn growled, choosing her spot to dash out of the alley and make her way around to the loading dock in the back of Killinger's. Seeing the security keypad on the door leading inside, she pulled out a cryptographic sequencer disguised as a handheld game console. Using the dual analogue sticks on the sequencer, she cycled through the various code combinations for the keypad before managing to find the correct one, opening the door.

_Eat yer heart out, B-man,_ Harley thought as she slipped inside. Managing to avoid the security cameras, she silently and gingerly made her way to where the main security desk was, a single guard standing there. Taking out a blowpipe resembling an oversized straw from a fast food restaurant, she blew out a tranquillizer dart, catching the guard in the side of the neck. Within seconds, he was slumped over the desk, snoring loudly. With that taken care of, Harley did a cartwheel over to the desk, looking over the screens to spot the section of the store where they were selling artificial Christmas trees. Eventually, she found it, in a section on the third floor. With a whistle of Deck the Halls, the harlequin clown ran to the escalators, racing up the unmoving stairs until she got to the third floor. It didn't take long then to find a number of cardboard boxes containing artificial trees on display.

_Can't be too picky,_ Harley reminded herself, just grabbing one at random. _After all, it doesn't matter how pretty it is as long as it's there. Besides, I'm sure it'll look pretty with my decorations on it._

With the tree in hand, Quinn began to make her exit, only to stop when she heard an odd noise, like a high-pitched beeping sound. Turning to her left, she followed the sound, unable to resist her curiosity. She traced the source to a changing room, gasping at what she saw: A bomb, and a rather advanced looking one at that. It looked set to go off in fifteen minutes.

"OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod!" she whispered. "Who the heck would set a bomb-"

She stopped as she felt the cold barrel of a gun tap the back of her head. She let out a gulp as she slowly turned to face the person behind her: A man in a large, armoured, fire-proof suit, holding a flare gun. A pair of medals were adorned to his chest-plate. Twin tanks were set up on his back, one sending oxygen to his mask, the other hooked up to a flamethrower attached to his belt.

"Heheh, hiya Firebug," Harley whimpered. "Funny runnin' into you tonight. You stealin' Christmas trees too?"

"Actually, was thinking more along the lines of blowing this whole damn building down," Firebug replied coldly.

'Oh, fancy that," Harley murmured. "Well, I was just gonna take this here tree in a box and go home, so you go ahead and have some fun, and maybe I'll see ya some other-"

"Can't have any witnesses," Firebug cut her off, keeping his flare gun aimed at her forehead. "Besides, you and your psycho boyfriend left me for the Bat the last time we had dealings. Way I figure it, this'll send a message to him to stay out of my way."

Harley's heart was racing. She knew Firebug would pull the trigger, and leave her a smear on the walls of the changing room. That is, until the room went kablooey, along with the rest of Killinger's. She knew that she had gadgets in her purse to defend herself, but she needed a distraction to get at them. Thankfully, salvation came as she spotted something hanging in the door to the changing room, and she had to fight the urge to smile.

"Aw, c'mon Joey," Quinn said, pouting and tracing a finger along Firebug's armour, "have a heart, will ya? It's Christmas, and I just wanted to treat myself to a tree. It gets real lonely, without Mistah J, and I needed a little Christmas cheerin' up, y'know?"

"Sorry," Rigger retorted, keeping his finger on the trigger. "Everybody's got at least one bad Christmas."

"But lookie, Joey," Harley insisted, pointing over them. "Yer standin' under the mistletoe. Wouldn't it be just as good to get at Mistah J by locking lips with the girl only he's kissed before? You know how protective he is of me."

"More like possessive," Firebug commented. "Still, it WOULD piss him off."

Reaching back with his other hand, Firebug ever-so-cautiously pulled his helmet off, revealing his shaven head. He moved the flare gun to the side of Harley's head, just in case she tried anything, and pulled her in close, their lips connecting. Harley, knowing she needed more, let out a small moan as she wrapped her arms around his neck and slipped her tongue past his lips. This proved to be enough as Joe's grip on the flare gun slipped, sending it falling to the floor. Just as his armoured hands began to reach for her body, however, she managed to reach into her purse, which was clinging to her elbow and behind his head, and grabbed a cupcake filled with adhesive gel. Pulling back from his lips, she slammed it into his face, the gel coating the front of his head as he screamed in rage. She then grabbed hold of the rack of hangers and shoved her feet hard against his chest, sending him tumbling out and falling on his back, looking like a turtle on his shell.

"And for the record, Mistah J's a WAY better kisser than you!" Harley yelled, spitting the taste from her mouth. She was about to leave, but glanced back at the bomb. She didn't know why, at that exact moment, but decided it was probably best not to go without doing a good deed. Besides, Joe wouldn't be much of a threat for at least a couple of minutes, she guessed. Pulling out a screwdriver, she opened up the front panel to the bomb, yanking out the red wire, which stopped the bomb.

"Always the red wire with you," Harley commented. "No wonder B-man always kicks your-"

Quinn was cut off as Firebug grabbed his flame-thrower, firing it wildly into the air. Harley ducked, grabbed her tree, and scrambled out of there. Unfortunately, a jet of flames shot up over her, hitting the roof and bringing it down in a flaming rubble, blocking her path. Thinking fast, Harley decided to double back to the emergency exit on this floor. By this point, however, Rigger had managed to rip the gel from most of his face, giving chase as she raced for the exit. Seeing what she was doing, he pulled a small grenade he had stashed away for emergencies, pulled the pin, and lobbed it. It blew up a fair distance from Harley's right side, but just the shock from the blast was able to knock her to the ground, causing her to fall on the box with the tree in it. Giving her head a quick shake, trying to get the ringing out of her ears, she looked down to see the tree poking out of the box, bent horribly. As she started to tear up, she noticed a shadow loom over her. Reaching into her purse with a growl, she pulled the first weapon she got her hands on and swung it at Firebug. Unfortunately, it was a rubber chicken that shot acid. Not much good here, as it simply smacked off his chest and fell to the ground.

"...Whoops," Harleen muttered, looking into the angry eyes of Joe Rigger.

"Any last words?" Joe demanded, flame-thrower aimed at her face.

"Um, please don't do it?" Harley suggested.

Rigger rolled his eyes, groaning. "Anything else?"

Taking a gulp, Harley yelled out, "_**NARRATOR?! IF YOU'VE GOT SOMETHIN' GOOD TO SAVE MY ASS, DO IT NOW!**_"

Joe blinked in confusion, not knowing what the hell Harley was talking about. This moment of confusion was all that was needed, however, as a whip shot out from nowhere and knocked the flame-thrower from his hands. Looking to the source of it, both Firebug and Harley were shocked to find a woman in a very dark purple jumpsuit, wearing a cowl with cat-like ears and a pair of amber-tinted goggles.

"Catwoman?!" Harley exclaimed. "How many people decided to break into this joint, anyway?!"

"Well, the jewels upstairs WERE a bit tempting, but I'm mostly here on an anonymous tip that someone was gonna blow up the department store," Selina explained. "Should've known it was Firebug when I was disabling them. It was always the red wire. Hasn't anyone ever told you the whole red-for-fire thing always gets you into trouble, Rigger?"

"Had enough of you bitches getting in my way!" Firebug yelled, running at Catwoman with a clenched, armoured fist.

"You should really watch your tongue, Rigger!" Catwoman suggested, dodging the punch and slashing Joe's face with the claws on her fingertips. "Otherwise, this cat will catch it!"

Rigger growled in barely controlled rage, clutching his face, but was diverted by the yell of "Hey, Joey!" from his left. Turning, he spotted Harley Quinn running at him, fist clenched. At the last minute, though, when he was about to clobber her with a clothesline, she ducked and slid between his legs, dropping a pie on the floor below him and pulling the cherry from the top. At this, the pie started to send of sparks, and just as Rigger realised what was happening, it exploded, sending him crashing into a near wall, then crumbling to the floor unconscious.

"That was for my tree, you bastaaarrr..." Harley muttered, feeling a little wobbly as fatigue started to set in. She suddenly pitched backward, falling toward the floor, barely feeling a pair of arms catch her as her world went to black.

* * *

Harley groaned as her eyes opened slightly as the world slowly came back to her. Looking straight up at the ceiling, and feeling the mattress under her and the blanket over her, she could tell she was back in her apartment. Someone must have brought her home. Not that it mattered. She'd gone through all of that, and for nothing. She closed her eyes again, letting her head fall to her right, cursing herself at her failure, before opening them again. What she saw there astonished her: A tree, just like the one she'd tried to steal, only not at all damaged and with bright, shiny decorations on it. She felt a tear of happiness at the sight of it all.

"...Santa?" Harley asked.

"Ho, ho, ho," she heard a feminine voice reply. Sitting up, she spotted Catwoman sitting at her table with her cowl pulled back, her short brown hair on full display, sharpening her claws. Selina smiled at Harley as she started to get up, and couldn't help but giggle as the blonde fell out of bed, stumbling to get back to her feet.

"Wha-What is all this?" Harley exclaimed. "Why-?"

"Well, I figured you earned it after you kicked Rigger's ass and disabled the last bomb," Selina answered. "He's behind bars, by the way, and the fire department arrived just in time to put the fires he started out before too much damage was done. Thankfully, Killinger's was gonna be closed for a few days anyway."

"But the tree, you swiped it for me?" Quinn asked.

Selina shrugged. "Well, y'know, with everything that happened, I doubt very much anyone's gonna notice an artificial tree missing. Especially one so cheap and-"

"THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" Harleen squeed, grabbing Catwoman in a big bear hug and swinging her around with glee.

"You're welcome, Harl!" Selina responded, gasping for breath. "Just please don't make me throw up!"

Harley blushed a little, putting Selina back down. "Sorry, sorry! It's just, I love it. I mean it."

"Only you would almost get yourself killed over something like this, Harley," Selina joked.

"Well, it's not just the tree, it's what it represents," Harleen countered. "C'mon, didn't you have a Christmas tree at least?"

Selina smiled, thinking back. "...Not so much a tree as a branch, and don't tell Pam about that. But yeah, I get what you mean."

The two grinned, looking at the bright radiance coming from the tree, before Catwoman looked to the clock. "Oh, shoot, I gotta go. I got a couple of things I gotta do before my flight outta Gotham gets here."

"Gonna try to catch B-man under the mistletoe?" Harley suggested with a knowing smirk as Selina pulled her cowl back on and opened the window to the fire escape.

"Harley, please," Catwoman scoffed. "As if I need mistletoe."

"Yeah, Merry Christmas to you too, Horn Cat," Harleen replied, rolling her eyes.

"And a Happy New Year, Insane Clown Pussy," Selina countered, leaping off the fire escape and swinging away with her whip.

Harley shook her head, closing the window. She then turned to the tree, sitting and enjoying the warm glow from it. Yes, she'd nearly gotten burned alive, blown up, almost had to shove her tongue down Joe Rigger's throat, and probably worst of all, the thing The Joker would never let her get away with once he found out, she'd actually done a good deed and saved the store. Still, for all of that, it had been more than worth it.

"Ooh, maybe I should do this again for Halloween!" Harley said with a smile. "I could get a free jack-o'-lantern!"

...Apparently, some people will ALWAYS try to push their luck.

* * *

_**AUTHOR'S NOTES:**_ Happy Harleydays, everybody! XD By the way, feel free to let me know if I should do this again for Halloween. But yeah, decided a while back I should do a Christmas one-shot, and finally came to the conclusion that it should be about Harley Quinn after reading Harley Quinn #0. I hope you like this interpretation of her.

As for Catwoman, she's kinda working a deal similar to the Suicide Squad, wherein she does work for the government to pay off her debts to society. Her costume is very much a cross between her Arkham City and Injustice costumes, only a very dark purple in colour with amber-tinted goggles instead of the red-tinted ones she has in Arkham City. And regarding Firebug, he's basically wearing the same costume he wore in recent issues of Batgirl.

And for those wondering where Poison Ivy is in Infinite DC and the part she plays in it, don't fret, I have something special planned for her. ^_^

Anyway, lemme know what you think of this, and have yourselves a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanzaa, and any other holidays that I may be unaware of! Ja né!


End file.
